“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

July 27, 2014

If I Was A Disney Princess

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I would publish an inspirational, Sheryl Sandberg-type book for commoners, entitled Marry Up

I would appoint a Fantasyland Commission to investigate the effects of climate change on talking animals

I would visit all of the elementary schools in the land, and tell all of the little girls that they can become anything they want to be, especially if they’re really pretty, like me

I would petition the Disney animators to give me a complete nose, instead of just two tiny nostril dots

I would impose an additional tax on all party-related paper goods, including paper plates, gift bags, napkins and crepe paper centerpieces, which bore my image

I would reveal the secret of my beautiful hair: asbestos

I would reach out to Mulan, Jasmine and all of the other princesses from troubled regions, and I would beg them not to provide any warring factions with magical spells or power ballads

I would visit Times Square and all of the Disney theme parks worldwide, and I would thank all of the women who’d been hired to dress up like me and pose for photos with children and families, and I would end their suffering, by getting them real jobs painting figurines with lead-based paint in my enchanted sweatshops

Blognick