1. If I should remain in a persistent vegetative state for more than fifteen years, I would like someone to turn off the TV.
2. If I remain motionless for an extended period and utter only guttural, meaningless sounds, I would like a Guggenheim.
3. If I am unable to recognize or interact with friends or family members, I still expect gifts.
4. If I am unable to feed, clean, or dress myself, I would like to be referred to as “Mr. Trump.”
5. Do not resuscitate me before noon.
6. If I do not respond to pinches, pinpricks, rubber mallets, or other medical stimuli, please stop laughing.
7. If I no longer respond to loved ones’ attempts at communication, ask them about our last car trip.
8. Once I am allowed to die a painless and peaceful death, I would like my organs donated to whoever can catch them.
9. If my death is particularly dramatic, I would like to be played by Hilary Swank, for a slam dunk.
10. If there is any family dispute over my medical condition, it must be settled with a dreidel.
11. Even if I remain in a persistent vegetative state for more than fifteen years, that still doesn’t mean bangs.
12. If my doctor pronounces me brain-dead, I would like to see the new Ashton Kutcher movie.
13. If I remain unconscious during a painful, lingering illness, I would like the following life lessons to be published in a book entitled “Tuesdays with Paul”:
i. Treasure every moment.
ii. Love everyone.
iii. If you bought this in hardcover, you’re an idiot.
14. I do not wish to be kept alive by any machine that has a “Popcorn” setting.
15. I would like to die at home, surrounded by my attorneys.
16. If my loved ones insist that the cost of my medical care has become an impossible burden, show them a Polaroid of their “beach shack.”
17. In lieu of flowers or donations, I would prefer rioting.
18. I would like my entire estate to become the property of my cat, Fluffy, who said, “He wouldn’t want to live like this, with that zit.”
19. Assume that, even in a coma, I can still hear discussions about my apartment.
20. If there is any talk of canonizing me, please remember that I have often held the elevator for people who were still getting their mail, that I have twice offered a cab to a woman in a fur coat even though I was totally there first, and that I always waited to make derogatory comments until after the couple with the double stroller was a block away.
21. In the event of an open coffin, I would like smoky evening eyes.
22. At my memorial service, I would like my clergyman to begin his eulogy with the words “I suppose, in a way, we all killed him.”