“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

July 14, 2015

Today’s Decisions

set-of-3-sparkling-red-swirl-gift-boxes-lighted-christmas-yard-art-decorationsFrom now on, whenever I want anything, from more butter on my pancakes to sneakers in my size, if I don’t get it I am going to threaten to develop a program of nuclear weapons.

When I was in college, I had to decide between becoming a writer or a Mexican druglord. I see now that, in terms of access to escape tunnels, I made a poor choice.

I am never going to vote for anyone with a seriously asymmetrical head like Scott Walker’s. He looks like a cyborg made from spare parts. By a bored preschooler.

If I was a billionaire, and I gave 100 million dollars to build a library or a museum, I would be far too modest to have the building named after me. I would ask that the building be called The Someone Very Special Concert Hall or maybe The Shy Philanthropist Who Everybody Loves Institute.

I am going to resist ordering any of the Christmas In July illuminated ornaments from Home Shopping. Especially the ones where the hosts claim, “And you can use them all year round, clustered on a sideboard for Sunday brunch!”

I think that being a network news anchor is harder than it looks, especially if you’re gay, and you’re introducing a story by a gay member of your action news team. Because no matter how much you’re dying to, you can’t say, “So girlfriend, what’s happening in Moscow? Hmmm?”

Not a decision, but a question: why do I find the photo below so unnerving?

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Blognick