Paul Rudnick

1. Outrage at a genuine injustice, against yourself or a loved one.

2. Outrage at a global injustice, which while unspeakable, has not affected you personally on a day-to-day level.

3. Outrage at someone who’s disagreed with you regarding the nature of that global injustice, on Facebook.

4. Outrage at anyone of an opposing political party, i.e., an idiot, a criminal, or a liar.

5. Outrage at whoever answers the phone, finally, at Time-Warner. Even though the problem is not technically their fault, they still work there, and it’s hard to get the CEO of Time-Warner on the phone, so that you can call him exactly what everyone else would like to call him.

6. Outrage at someone who’s horribly offended you, including an abusive parent, a facist tyrant, or Walt Disney, but they’re dead, which seems like cheating.

7. Outrage at inanimate objects, which you’ve stubbed your toe on, an event which you swear hurt more than open heart surgery without anesthesia.

8. Outrage at any form of packaging which is impossible to open.

Here’s the question: is this list in ascending or descending order?

The new film Child of God has arrived with an R rating and the following advisory: Gun violence, necrophila, on-screen defecation.

Here are some other recent advisories, for a variety of films:

Contains scenes of endless conversations between under-employed adults near Seattle, off-screen cars arriving, some snacking.

Poorly executed alien spacecraft, tight latex bodysuits on the wrong actors, destruction of international landmarks previously destroyed in other recent films.

Ape-on-ape violence, ape-on-man bittersweet friendship, apes clambering atop everything in their path.

Attempts at depth by television performers, wry looks between family members, lingering, pensive, carefully lit close-ups of star/writer/director.

Labored hijinks, careful camera angles on aging female star, desperate editing.

Constant triumphant music, carefully moussed bangs on aging male star, well-paid character actors stifling yawns.