Some folks have responded to the recent, scandalous availability of private, naked pictures of celebrities by asking, why did these stars have nude photos stored on the Cloud in the first place? Others have declared the entire situation to be a shocking invasion of the celebrities’ privacy, and a form of nude star-shaming. While both of these responses are understandable, here are some proactive solutions:
– In order for a regular person to download a nude photo of a celebrity, the regular person must attach a nude photo of themselves, under fluorescent lighting, right after they’ve removed a piece of clothing with a tight elastic waistband. The nude photos of regular people will also be automatically forwarded to that person’s mother, their coworkers, and a website called “Cellulite – It Doesn’t Just Happen To Women.”
– Whenever a star has private, nude photos taken, they should be careful to place logos for Unicef, the Red Cross and Amnesty International over their genitalia, along with instructions for making donations.
– If a regular person is caught posting unpleasant comments regarding the breakup of Mariah Carey’s marriage, they should be required to email Mariah a 200-word essay on the topic “Why Someday, Mariah Will Love Again.”
– When anyone resists downloading nude photos of a celebrity, as a form of congratulations and positive reinforcement, their name should be embroidered on the back of Angelina Jolie’s wedding dress, beside her childrens’ artwork.
– Anyone who downloads salacious material regarding any portion of Kim Kardashian’s body should receive a handwritten thank-you note from Kim, along with a coupon good for a 10% discount on her latest fragrance.
– If you have the urge to download a forbidden photo, get drunk, quit your job and obsessively visit hardcore porn sites instead. That way, you’ll feel better about yourself, as a person.
