The classic Big Lies include “The check is in the mail” and “I won’t come in your mouth.” Here are some updates:
1. “I love your new haircut. It’s different.” Translation: “I didn’t know there was a fourth Stooge.”
2. “I don’t even own a TV.” People say this to prove their technological and moral superiority, but I’m sorry, if you’ve been bingeing on Big Bang Theory reruns on your iPad, you’re watching TV.
3. “I don’t care what other people think.” If you really don’t care what I think, then why are you spending so much time telling me about how much you don’t care?
4. “I won’t come on your Ralph Lauren exploded damask 400-thread-count euro-sham.” But if you don’t want me to, then why do you have so many decorative pillows on your bed?
5. “I’ve been sober for almost eighteen days.” If you’re a marginal celebrity and you announce this on a talk show and receive heartfelt applause, what you’re really saying is, “Wait, sober doesn’t include pot or prescription stuff, does it?”
6. “I don’t care about the Kardashians!” Then why do you know so much about Chloe’s divorce?
7. “I’m not doing hot yoga/a cleanse/three spinnning clases a day/lipo to lose weight, I just want to be healthy.”
8. “I’ve almost finished your book and I’m loving it!” Translation: “Hold on, did you write a book?”
9. “Let’s just agree to disagree.” Because you’re stupid.
10. “I never read reviews.”
11. “I’m not wearing makeup.”
12. “I did wash my hands.”
13. “I only watch documentaries.” Well, I guess a porn video is sort of a documentary.
14. “This only looks like your leather jacket.”
15. “I texted you! The party was last night!”
