So when it comes to superheroes with brawny shoulders and fabulous blonde highlights, whom would you rather have swoop down and save you: Chris Hemsworth as the stoic yet still dreamy Thor, or Chris Evans as the impossibly brave and totally sigh-worthy Captain America?
First of all, I’d like to salute both superhunks for dealing with difficult accessories. Thor has to keep swinging his cumbersome magic hammer while Captain America can’t leave home without his impervious shield, which can deflect fists and bullets while also serving as an all-purpose wok and snack tray. Both the hammer and the shield could easily make a superguy look silly, as if he’s carrying a Super-Birkin or dragging a super-wheelie through LaGuardia.
But Thor and Captain America have the very best back-up, because they both have ultra-capable girlfriends. Thor is involved with Natalie Portman as Dr. Jane Porter, while in his new movie Captain America:The Winter Soldier, CA trades some steamy glances with Scarlett Johansson as the wily, irresistible Black Widow. I wasn’t all that familiar with Scarlett’s character, but upon Googling her I discovered that the Black Widow is a biologically-enhanced Russian spy turned American ally. The Black Widow can not only kill hordes of enemies with her martial arts skills and electro-bracelets, but her cover identities include stints as a fashion designer and schoolteacher Nancy Rushman. As if all of this wasn’t enough, the Black Widow is also, according to Wikipedia, “an accomplished ballerina.”
So there it is: the Black Widow is clearly based on me, and not just because like myself, Scarlett is a stunning and provocative Jewish woman who looks amazing in a formfitting black catsuit. In Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Scarlett and Chris are incredibly sexy and they swap first-date banter while slaughtering zillions of black-ops ninjas. I’ve never really understood these ninjas, since their job is to show up, say something thuggish and then immediately get killed, most often by having their heads twisted around like Snapple bottle caps. Did these ninjas respond to a Craiglist ad for musclebound corpses?
As Captain America, Chris does the impossible, because he not only rescues the world from an NSA-inspired super-threat, he plays a square-jawed, nice-guy hero without becoming a bore, although I did wonder if, once he left the armed forces, he’d be called Mr. America. Chris also tangles with Robert Redford, who’s playing a top-echelon government strategist, and it’s fun watching two generations of classic Hollywood jocks, both of whom have paid their dues by driving motorcycles while wearing tight white t-shirts and Levis. Chris and Bob are part of the screen’s great vanilla brotherhood, because they’re the kind of heroes who come equipped with bomber jackets, an unbreakable code of frontier ethics, and at least one devoted black friend.
So if I had to choose between Thor and the Captain, I’d go American. Chris Hemsworth and his brother Liam are just too blindingly gorgeous, and I’d feel like their Wookie.
Chris Evans also has an adorable brother, and I watched the two of them punching each other on Jimmy Fallon: maybe the Hemsworth brothers and the Evans brothers should compete on an all-star reality show, which would have an even bigger gay male fan base than American Horror Story.
Maybe I love Captain America because it’s harder to be a patriotic hero in a red, white and blue unitard than a Norse god with a ponytail. The Captain also has to wear a leather version of a woman’s bathing cap, as if he’s worried that someone’s going to splash him during water aerobics. Captain America is a super-goy with the heart of a real mensch, if you ask me.
