1. Give me 100 million dollars so I won’t come to your house and kill you.
2. Give me 20 million dollars so I can make a searingly honest, deeply personal, five hour independant black-and-white film about my suburban childhood and how everyone was mean to me.
3. Give me 70 million dollars to not make you watch the movie I just described.
4. Give me 58 million dollars to not press all the buttons in the elevator.
5. Give me $2.48 to kill the child who just pressed all the buttons in the elevator. The $2.48 is to buy paper towels to clean the blood off my hands.
6. Give me 80 million dollars to call you once an hour and tell you that everyone else is wrong about you.
7. Give me 72 million dollars to create a multi-part, multi-media dance/theater tone poem about the relationship between quantum physics, celebrity culture and global warming. This piece will be hugely acclaimed in France.
8. Give me enough money to declare war on France.
9. Give me 58,000 dollars to not tell you how your favorite cable series, which you’ve DVR’ed but haven’t found time to watch yet, ends.
10. Give me 8 million dollars to design a truly flattering downfilled piece of clothing.
11. Give me $5 to turn to the person in the theater whose cell phone has just gone off during the performance and tell them, “Everyone hates you. Not just because of your cell phone. They just hate you.”
12. Give me 18 billion dollars to see Blue is the Warmest Color again.
13. Give me 20,000 dollars to grab the smelly food off the lap of the person eating it in the movie theater and dump it on their head. I’ll need the money to pay for my hospitalization after that person beats me up. But it will have been worth it.
14. Give me $1 to buy a Snickers bar from a newsstand. Then give me $10 to buy the same Snickers bar in the lobby of a not-for-profit theater,
15. Give me 30,000 dollars to call your Mom and tell her that you really did have a doctor’s appointment.
16. Give me 50,000 dollars to call your therapist and tell him that you killed yourself and that he should blame himself.
17. Give me 78 million dollars to bring you toilet paper after you’ve gotten home, put on your sweatpants and then remembered that you’re out of toilet paper. And paper napkins. And Kleenex. And wrapping paper.
18. Give me $20 and I swear I’ll pay you back as soon as I can find a cash machine.
