Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are giving an exclusive interview to Fox News, to discuss their recent troubles. In advance of this broadcast, here are some ways in which the Duggars could express their true and profound regret for all they’ve done:
1. They could form a loving family prayer circle around child-molesting son Josh, and kick him to death.
2. The Duggar ladies could all pull their hair back into ponytails for a full week, like wicked city gals, as a show of humility.
3. The Duggar men could abstain from wearing JC Penney crewneck sweaters for 24 hours, just to see if they can.
4. The entire family could embark on a scavenger hunt, attempting to find exotic items such as Jews, homosexuals and racial minorities. The family members would be required to take selfies and then rush back home, titillated and relieved.
5. Instead of home schooling the next generation of Duggars, the family could send the kids to public schools, but wearing earplugs and sleep masks.
6. The Duggars could apologize for preaching hatred against GLBTQ people, and then admit that they’re not sure what “GLBTQ” spells, or how to pronounce it.
7. The Duggars could sell two of their children, to give them a chance at a normal life.
8. The Duggars have always been fierce and vicious opponents of abortion; they could allow a photo of the family to be used as the pro-choice movement’s most powerful argument.
