I have just read some terrible and shocking news: the worldwide demand for chocolate has begun to outstrip the cocoa crops, and a choco-famine may result! Fuck ebola, climate change and immigration reform, ALL INTERNATIONAL RESOURCES MUST BE FOCUSED ON INCREASING AND PROTECTING CHOCOLATE PRODUCTION!!!!!
Here are some things which YOU, as a concerned earthling, can do:
EAT MORE CHOCOLATE – this will let the cocoa plants know that you care. In fact, through crop-dusting and a scorched-earth campaign, we must destroy all vegetation which does not lead directly to the creation of Peanut M&M’s. LET THE COCOA FIELDS BREATHE.
REFUSE TO EAT ANYTHING WHICH ISN’T MADE OF CHOCOLATE. There can be exemptions for frosting, sprinkles and certain cookies, as long as all of these items come directly into contact with CHOCOLATE. If someone offers you, say, a sirloin steak or a crisp apple, hurl it to the ground and ask, “WHAT IS THIS SHIT? WHERE IS MY CHOCOLATE?”
WE MUST SURROUND ALL EMBASSIES WHILE WAVING SNICKERS BARS. WE MUST REFUSE TO ELECT ANY CANDIDATE WHO DOES NOT MAKE INCREASED CHOCOLATE PRODUCTION HIS OR HER #1 PRIORITY. WE MUST WEAR CAMPAIGN BUTTONS READING “WHERE’S THE CHOCOLATE?”
Tweet the Pope to stop pushing compassion and inclusion, and insist that he lead the world in PRAYING FOR CHOCOLATE. TELL HIM TO TALK TO GOD ABOUT THIS WHOLE CHOCOLATE ISSUE, BECAUSE GOD WILL UNDERSTAND. BECAUSE GOD MADE CHOCOLATE.
Make a weekly spiritual pilgrimage, with your family, to Hershey, Pennsylvania and genuflect before the machine which manufactures the Kisses, especially the ones wrapped in gold foil with an almond inside. Accept the Kisses as your personal savior.
PANIC. IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT CHOCOLATE. WE MUST SEND MANNED SPACECRAFT TO OTHER PLANETS IN SEARCH OF A CHOCOLATE-FRIENDLY ENVIRONMENT. MAYBE ONE OF SATURN’S MOONS IS MADE OF CHOCOLATE – HOW WILL WE KNOW UNTIL WE TASTE IT?