Sylvia Driskell, 66, of Omaha, Nebraska has filed a lawsuit, handwritten on lined notebook paper, against all homosexuals, on behalf of God, demanding that the court determine if being gay is a sin.To help the Judge in this case, I’d like to provide a working definition of the word “sin”:
1. Does the activity feel really good, when practiced correctly?
2. Do millions of people enjoy the activity?
3. Does the activity upset Sylvia Driskell?
4. Does the activity, for some adherents, involve saying things like, “Sylvia, Sylvia, Sylvia. What is your problem, ladybug?”
5. Does the activity involve, for the devout, lip-synching to the entire score of Cabaret, both the Broadway and movie versions, as a child?
6. Does being truly committed to the sin of homosexuality demand lip-synching to Cabaret as an adult, and adding choreography and greater emotional depth to “Maybe This Time”?
7. When a truly impressive gay sinner is told that his sin will send him to hell, does he reply, “Off season?”
8. Will certain sinners, on occasion, dress as Sylvia Driskell, fan themselves and declare, “My nephew Preston is not a homosexual! He only created a one-man version of Cabaret as a homework assignment from Oral Roberts University!”
9. If a person practices the sin of homosexuality on a daily basis, will he or she ultimately win a set of guest towels?
10. Is the sin of homosexuality designed, according to Sylvia Driskell, “Just to get my goat, and my dander up”?
11. Does the sin make Sylvia Driskell so irate that one time she went to church without her teeth?
