“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

June 18, 2014

Cosmic Spoiler Alerts


Someday, you are going to die. Sorry.

You will most likely never be elected President of the United States. This is undoubtedly, for all concerned, a good thing.

If there is life on other planets, it will probably not be contacting you directly. So you will never get a related book deal. Again, sorry.

If there is a God, you’d better hope that, in your case and mine, this God is willing to overlook just about everything.

You will never win the Nobel Peace Prize, so I hope that you haven’t been counting on it, or telling your friends, “This is my year, I can feel it.”

You will never have hair that will be universally termed “lustrous.”

If you discover the secret of happiness, you’d better write it down on the back of an envelope, because otherwise you will never remember it, which will drive you crazy.