“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

January 20, 2014

Excuses, Excuses


I love hearing people make excuses, especially for their most inexcusable behavior. Some recent examples:

1. When Juan Pablo Galavis, the current Bachelor, was asked whether there should be a gay version of the show, he said absolutely not, because gay people are too perverted. When he was rightly attacked for making this statement, he insisted that English wasn’t his first language, and that in Spanish the word for perverted means “intense and affectionate”, and that since gay people are so intense and affectionate, they would make viewers, especially children, uncomfortable. This guy speaks fluent Stupid.

2. Another idiot, Liam Payne from the boyband One Direction, tweeted his support for the Duck Dynasty clan and their “business prosperities and family values.” When this guy was called on his tweet, he cited freedom of speech. No one is disputing his civil rights; people are objecting to his support of open bigotry.Liam also claimed that the tweet was a private matter. Which is just like posting naked photos on Facebook, and then wondering how a prospective employer got a look at them.

3. Vladimir Putin, a global power-idiot, was interviewed by George Stephanopoulos, about Russia’s recently enacted anti-gay laws. Putin first said that before criticizing other countries, the US should “clean its own house”; Putin said that homosexuality was still illegal in many states, which hasn’t been true since the Supreme Court’s Lawrence Vs. Texas decision in 2003. Putin also said that compared to lots of other countries, Russia was progressive.He added that only homosexual propoganda would be punished, not homosexual protest. And as always, he claimed that the anti-gay laws were designed to protect “the children.”
This is all your basic, “Well, maybe I broke the window, but Jimmy did it too” excuse. Along with “And I only broke it so that someone else wouldn’t come along and break it.”

4. Chris Christie has offered a cornucopia of excuses, including, “I didn’t know”, “I’m on the case” and “Mistakes were made.” Would your parents let you get away with any of these?

5. The titleholder remains Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who endearingly admitted to smoking crack, but said that he didn’t really remember doing it, because he was so drunk.

If you’re ever in serious trouble, here are some recommended excuses:

“Hold on, since when is murder illegal?”

“I was sleepwalking, then sleep-driving, then sleep-robbing a bank.”

“It was a crime of passion, because I passionately wanted a Lexus.”

“Some of my closest friends are gay people, and they don’t mind that I hate them.”

“I was dehydrated. I mean, wouldn’t you be, after having to run that far from the scene of an accident?”

“Would it help if I offered the judge a rose?”