Q. What are the real Seven Habits of the Most Highly Effective People?
1. Constant snacking
2. The ability to walk to the gym, change into your gym clothes, and then decide “not today” and go home
3. Differentiating “lying down for a few minutes” from “taking a nap”
4. Deciding that the Fedex delivery person has seen plenty of recipients with crumbs on their t-shirts
5. Obsessively following a recent murder which occured when, after a drunken wife discovered her drunken husband having sex with another man, the husband and wife both boarded the same jet-ski, with the husband pushing his wife off the jet-ski three separate times before leaving her for dead on a sandbar. Why is anyone talking about the Middle East when this case is still only a few days old?
5. Spending a great deal of time naming your imaginary yacht, with an emphasis on names like “Sea More” and “Ocean View”
6. Feeling deeply superior every Friday because you don’t have a second home in the Hamptons, so you don’t have to fight the traffic
7. Comparison shopping for chocolate-covered peanuts
Q. When an adult website asks you to click on the box labelled I Understand and I Wish To Continue, regarding the site’s adult content, has anyone in the history of the world ever clicked on the No Thank You box?
A. No.
Q. After the vows, should the person presiding over any wedding ceremony ask the participants, “Do you understand and wish to continue?”
A. Yes.
Q. With regard to certain spellings and phrases, do all dictionaries and grammar sites change their decisions randomly, every other day?
A. Yes, especially when discussing all right and alright, and any more and anymore.
Q. Because of basic human compassion and political correctness, should no one ever refer to another person as fat, stupid or crazy?
A. Yes.
Q. Are most people on earth fat, stupid and crazy?
A. Yes.
Q. Then what should we call each other?
A. Brave.
