The conceptual artist Chris Burden has just died at 69, an impressive age given that his artworks included the following: having an associate shoot him in the arm from 15 feet away with a .22 rifle; being crucified, with real nails, to a Volkswagen Beetle; attaching live electrical wires to his chest; crawling, nearly naked, through a field of broken glass; and in my favorite piece, entitled “Kunst Kick”, he was kicked down a flight of stairs at the Basel Art Fair.
Mr. Burden was a fascinating person, and he’s inspired me to plan my own conceptual works, which will include:
1. Reading Chris Burden’s obituary and wondering what sort of health insurance he carried.
2. Using a boxcutter to open a Fedex package.
3. Standing on the second-to-highest step of a small step-ladder to change a lightbulb in a ceiling fixture.
4. Insisting that a paper cut can be a life-threatening injury, because IT’S HAPPENED, WHY DON’T YOU GOOGLE IT, SMARTASS.
5. Walking barefoot ANYWHERE.
6. Wondering if I should wash my hands after opening that Fedex package, in case whoever sent me the package hadn’t washed theirs.
7. Using the bathroom at the gym.
8. Raking leaves WITHOUT WEARING STURDY WORK GLOVES.