“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

March 2, 2014

I Can’t Live Like This

Marble-Cleaning-PRoducts

I once took an acting class taught by a very sweet woman who’d led a sheltered life. She was directing an actress in a scene where the character had to express revulsion. The teacher grew highly agitated and said, “I want you to think of the absolute worst thing you can possibly imagine! I want you to think of…SNOT!”

I have a dear friend who has an immaculate apartment. He once arrived home to discover a single sheet of blank white paper on his gleaming glass dining room table. He turned to me and said, without a shred of irony, “I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS!”

When I first went away to college, my mother would call me and ask about my apartment, saying, “It’s filthy, isn’t it? Just admit it. I can only imagine what it looks like, and smells like – are there bugs?” To torment her, I’d say, “You’re totally right. There are cockroaches the size of cocker spaniels. Oh my God, here comes one right now! It’s huge! It’s tipping over the garbage can! AHHHH!!!!”
Then I’d hang up.

My mother had the ability to hear grime.

With regard to organic, “green” cleaning products, my mother would say, and I agree with her, “Oh please. That’s just a spray bottle full of dirt.”

Blognick