“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

December 25, 2013

If Santa Was Jewish

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1. All gifts would include receipts.

2. It wouldn’t be a question of who’s been naughty or nice, but who voted Democratic.

3. The elves would have their own museum at the North Pole, honoring their culture, and their sacrifice.

4. Many children would receive not just gifts, but scholarships.

5. After coming down every chimney and discovering a glass of milk and a plate of cookies, Santa would sigh and insist, “My doctor is gonna kill me…”

6. Mrs. Claus would have her own interests, including Peruvian folk-dancing and water aerobics.

7. The reindeer would be named Donald, Blintzes, Mrs. Traub, Henny, Tuchis and Pisher.

8. As he approached each home, instead of calling out, “Ho ho ho”, Santa would yell, “It’s just me! Don’t shoot! I’m kidding!”

9. At the end of each Christmas, Santa would moan, “I can’t move!”

10. Children all over the world would send Santa hand-written thank-you notes because, as their mothers would tell them, “We’re not animals.”

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Blognick