As regular readers of this blog very well know, I enjoy an intimate relationship with Peeps, both because I genuinely love the product, and because Peeps disgust people. They fear Peeps, because Peeps represent the triumph of pure, brightly colored, refined sugar. The label on any variety of Peeps will never include the words organic, free-range, sun-dried, artisanal or “good, and good for the earth.” Peeps are astronaut food for people who never leave their apartments. Peeps are melted love.
There have been major recent developments in Peepland. The Easter season accounts for 70% of all Peeps sales, and the Peeps people want to enlarge their market share. They’ve issued Peeps in appropriate shapes and colors for Halloween, Valentine’s Day and the Fourth of July. But now there’s a new product called Peeps Minis, which are chick-shaped, bite-sized versions of the originals, and which are intended for year-round snacking. They’re mini because some consumers have complained that full-scale Peeps can be sticky, and that the sparkling, crystallized coating can stain their hands. These people don’t understand Peeps. These people don’t appreciate Peeps. These people don’t deserve Peeps.
Some ingrates don’t like the fact that Peeps are connected, and that pulling them apart leaves spots that aren’t dusted with sugar. Cybele May, founder of the website Candy Blog, refers to these areas as “conjoining scars.”
Peeps Minis are being introduced in three flavors: strawberry creme, chocolate creme and sour watermelon, with a fourth flavor, vanilla creme, only available at that gourmet landmark, Target. I have no interest in any of these flavors, or in the entire mini concept. Remember those mini Oreos, and those mini Teddy Grahams, and mini Ritz Crackers? Did we really need them? All they did was allow people to feel like giants, or as if they were swallowing doll food.
But I do sympathize with the Peeps brand’s desire to expand. Therefore, I propose specialized, celebratory Peeps for the following holidays: Yom Kippur, Martin Luther King Day and most especially, the Mexican Day of the Dead, with beckoning, skull-shaped Peeps. Also, instead of going mini, why can’t there be entree-sized Peeps, shaped like full-sized bunnies or human heads?