My gym has been doing a big push for all of those monitoring devices, which are worn on people’s wrists or on bands around their chests. These devices transmit data to a set of large flatscreen TVs hanging on the walls throughout the gym. This way, everyone can see other people’s heart rates, and how many calories they’re burning. If gymgoers are so eager to reveal these personal statistics, then I feel the flatscreens should also report:
The person’s IQ.
The person’s net worth.
What the person looks like without their hairpiece.
Reasons why the person has been asked to leave the gym on more than one occasion.
The details of the person’s two most recent divorces and restraining orders.
The reasons why the person thinks it’s okay to leave a pile of sodden towels on the floor of the lockerroom – is their Mommy dropping by later to tidy up?
There are also monitoring devices which you can attach to your pet, so that while you’re at the office you can electronically check on your cat’s or dog’s level of activity. If you do this sort of thing you will soon return home to find the door open, your couch clawed to shreds, and a note written by your pet reading, “Monitor this, asshole.”
For quite a bit of money, you can have your home wired so that you can turn on all of your appliances while you’re out of the country, just by using your phone. You can be sitting at a cafe in Paris and microwave popcorn back in San Diego. Hopefully, this system will then make your head explode.
There is now a dating app for Orthodox Jews called Orthodate (I’m not kidding.) In their profiles, all of the men on this site claim to have a “trim, athletic build.” Maybe their tefillin are actually heartrate monitors.
