Recent criminal activity:
Felicia Smith, a 42-year-old teacher in Houston has been arrested for giving a 15-year-old student a “full contact lap dance” in front of her entire class. In his deposition, the boy says that he slapped Ms. Smith’s butt several times and that the teacher’s dance caused him to have “an erected penis.” Smith concluded the four-minute-long dance by telling her student, “Happy birthday, baby.”
My verdict: I feel that Ms. Smith should go free, as long as she wasn’t teaching grammar.
49-year-old Thomas Kroger, of Ceres, California, was found dead in the freezer of an auto body shop on April 14th that was owned by his husband, 26-year-old Jacob Cervantes, who has pleaded not guilty. The pair got married in August of last year and Kroger’s death may have occurred anywhere between December 1st and April 10th.
My verdict: pending. Maybe the happily married couple were just playing a sex game called “Let’s pretend that you’re a loin of pork”, that went terribly wrong.
72-year-old singer/songwriter Paul Simon and his songbird wife, 47-year-old Edie Brickell, were both arrested at their home in New Canaan, Connecticut, after a dispute reported by Brickell’s mother, which involved “shoving.” The pair were charged with Disorderly Conduct and released.
My verdict: Edie Brickell is at least six inches taller than her husband, and she’s 25 years younger. She should be ashamed of herself for shoving a tiny little old man. But at least she didn’t put him in the microwave.
