“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

November 12, 2014

Things That Happen When You’re Distracted

absent-mindedBy which I mean, what happens when you’re performing some simple yet essential task, while thinking about something else entirely.

1. You can start to apply toothpaste as if it was deoderant.

2. You can stop in the middle of the sidewalk and try to remember not just where you’re going, but what’s the name of the actress who plays what’s-her-name’s younger sister on what’s-that-show?

3. You can drink something which you didn’t order and which you hate.

4. You can be looking right into someone’s eyes and call them Joyce, when of course their name is Ben, and they’re not transgendered in any direction.

5. Instead of saying “I love you”, you can hold up a photo on your phone and ask, “Do you like this end table?”

6. You can start cursing at inanimate objects because you can’t find the pair of scissors you’re holding.

7. You can walk all the way to the gym and then remember that you’ve forgotten to bring your gym bag.

When any of these things happen, it is perfectly acceptable to blame global warming, secret government experiments conducted on you when you were a child, or French anti-semites.