“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

February 2, 2014

Today I Am A Man

My bar mitzvah was a pivotal event in New Jersey history, for the following reasons:

1. All of the boys at my temple were always bar mitzvahed
wearing dark suits. My mother thought this was drab, and
I agreed. And so I was called to the Torah while wearing
a double-breasted, rust-colored blazer and coordinated,
darker brown slacks with a subtle golden fleck.
That’s right – I was bar mitzvahed in SPORTSWEAR.

2. While the wealthier bar mitzvah boys in nearby temples
received mountains of checks, here’s what
I got: a little bit of money, a four-volume History of the
Jewish People, a tennis sweater, a skiing
headband with a snowflake motif, and a Mark Cross
pen-and-pencil set, which I immediately broke.

On a happier note, I also received a wristwatch which
pictured the map of Israel, and all the numerals were
Hebrew letters. This watch turned green and stopped
functioning after I wore it swimming.

I also got a coffee-table sized book which contained,
printed on newsprint, mock-ups of newspapers printed during
biblical times. The headlines included BOY SLAYS GIANT! MOSES
DEFIES PHAROAH! and JEWS ENTER PROMISED LAND!!!

I wish that book had also contained more contemporary
headlines, pertaining to my bar mitzvah itself, such as
PAUL DOESN’T REALLY SPEAK HEBREW – HE LEARNED HIS
TORAH PORTION PHONETICALLY, FROM A RECORD!
WHY DOESN’T PAUL’S BAR MITZVAH
INCLUDE CUSTOMIZED SATIN YARMULKES, PRINTED IN GOLD WITH
THE DATE AND PAUL’S NAME??? and AFTER TODAY, WILL PAUL EVER
BE SEEN IN TEMPLE AGAIN? HIS ANSWER – NO!!!

Actually, I was proud of my family for keeping my
bar mitzvah very low-key, without a striped tent for
the reception. My parents weren’t especially religious,
so I was mostly bar mitzvahed due to social pressure,
and to teach Hitler a lesson.

3. My temple did boast the most important element in
any house of worship: a well-stocked gift shop.

4. I’m only sad that I missed out on the far more recent
trend of themed bar mitzvahs. My Mom once attended
a Lord of the Rings bar mitzvah, and I’ve seen footage
from Star Wars bar mitzvahs and Barbie bat mitzvahs.
And I’m sure there will be many, many Wolf of Wall Street
bar mitzvahs, complete with waitresses dressed as hookers
and chopped-liver sculptures of Jonah Hill.

And here now is the classic footage from the bar mitzvah
of Sam Horowitz in Dallas, featuring the music of
Cristina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez. I adore this kid,
and I am so jealous:

Blognick