“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

February 6, 2014

Two Little Words


In the great movie 42nd Street, when the star breaks her leg, the producer makes a memorable speech to the terrified understudy. This is the classic you’re-going-out-there-a-frightened-little-girl-but-you’re-coming-back-a-star! speech. One of things the producer says, to inspire the young lady, is something along the lines of, “Think of the two most glorious words in the English language: musical comedy!”

In this spirit:

The two most disgusting words in the English language: Wet sneakers.

The two most depressing words in the English language: Interactive theater.

The two most spiritual words: Cashew turtles.

The two most useful words: Thank you.

The second two most useful words: Fuck off.

The two happiest words: Rent free.

The two words which inspire the most relief: It’s benign.

The two most terrifying words: I do.

The two most absurdly encouraging words: Extra strength.

The two most prayed-for words: Not guilty.

The two friendliest words, even when used during intense S&M sex: Good doggie!

The two most irritating words: Bill O’Reilly.

The two most delightful words: Tina Fey.

The two sexiest words: Real butter.

The two most longed-for words, for a child: Snow day.

The two most longed-for words, for a parent: Sleep in.

The two most intriguing words: Adults only.

The two most elegant words: Noblesse oblige.

The two least elegant words: Permanent press.

The two most shamefully satisfying words: Rave review.

The two most necessary words: Toilet paper.

The two most worrisome words: Black ice.

The two least worrisome words: Vanilla Ice.

The two most dangerous words: Why not?

The two most romantic words: Billion dollars.

No, I was kidding, the two most romantic words are really: Trillion dollars.

No, come on, let’s get real, the two most romantic words: Right now.