“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

February 18, 2015

You the Jury

cq5dam.web.1280.1280I’ve just finished jury duty, but since I wasn’t picked for a jury I’d like to support our justice system in my own way, by providing this list of questions for all prospective jurors:

1. Could you ever convict someone who was seriously attractive?

2. Would you be willing to implement the death penalty for a defendant who reminded you of your creepy, emotionally unavailable ex?

3. If you were on jury duty during an especially cold February, would you wonder if your hat hair would sway your chances of being picked for a trial?

4. Would you be willing to send a member of your own family to prison, even if they hadn’t been charged with a crime?

5. Would it be proper to have a jury find a defendant “Guilty But With A Great Smile”?

6. Do you consider a defendant stealing something which they really needed, like a cashmere cardigan in exactly the right shade of plum, to be a crime?

7. Would you be willing to convict an innocent person if you were going to get their rent-controlled apartment?

8. Do you think that all jurors should be required to wear matching t-shirts silk-screened with a picture of Judge Judy?

9. Before the jury foreman reads the verdict, should the Final Jeopardy theme be played over the courtroom sound system?