1. Buy a box of Mallomars and eat eighteen of them at one sitting, leaving two in the box. Then congratulate yourself on showing self-control.
2. Skim the first few sentences of an article on fracking. Then think to yourself, well I’m certainly not going to do any fracking today, so I’ve helped the environment.
3.When you’re waiting on line for quite awhile behind someone who’s chatting on their phone while also making a complicated coffee order, don’t stab that person to death with a hunting knife. You are allowed to mention this fact on your application essay to get into heaven.
4. Don’t get tickets to see a play which you know you’re going to hate.
5. Call your mother when she least expects it. Tell her that nothing’s wrong, and that you just wanted to hear her voice. All of this will drive her wild with suspicion.
6. Have a compassionate, nonjudgemental thought about Gwyneth Paltrow. Then, if this is too exhausting, imagine the Pope and President Obama, at their recent private summit in Rome, giggling together about Gwyneth.
7. Obsessively visit something completely unnecessary, which you are dying to purchase online. Wait an entire week and then take a deep breath and tell yourself, you see, thanks to my self-discipline, the urge to buy that ridiculous luxury object has passed. Then buy it, because since it’s still available after an entire week, God wants you to have it.
8. Pay your bills for rent, utilities and other basic necessities. Then mentally award yourself the Nobel Prize for Responsible Adult Behavior.
