There’s no way you’re 5’10”.
When your mother said that you were the prettiest girl on the planet, she was talking about Pluto.
Even Ivy League admissions committees sometimes make mistakes – in your favor.
You’re too old to be using a skateboard, except to move a houseplant to a sunnier location.
Just because you’re physically capable of doing something doesn’t mean that you should do it; this applies to growing sideburns, having children and writing an uproarious account of your dating woes.
Yes, everyone is staring at you. Because they’re appalled.
Sometimes, when a woman is intelligent and ambitious, people will call her a bitch. And sometimes she’s a bitch.
Getting a tattoo of a tiger, a shark or a lion doesn’t mean that you possess a certain ruthless courage. It means that you’ve become a childrens book.
You’re too old to be wearing deliberately distressed and ripped jeans. You look like you took a bad fall, in assisted living.
Sometimes, when a man wears a little porkpie hat and too many bracelets and skinny jeans, people will call him a dick. People will be right.
Watching an Iranian movie doesn’t make you a better person. It just makes you happier that you don’t live in Iran.
Posting a selfie is just a way of trying to counteract what you really look like.
