I’ve just read about an actual new disorder which is trending beyond ADD and ADHD and all of the other popular acronyms. It’s called SCT which stands for Sluggish Cognitive Tempo, and it’s characterized by “lethargy, daydreaming and slow mental processing.” It might also be called “Sunday afternoon.”
While I don’t want to minimize the seriousness of such conditions, I keep imagining even more:
CEAEYPS – This stands for Compulsive Eyerolling At Everything Your Parents Say, and it can persist well into adulthood. The condition is dependant upon a child having deeply embarrassing parents, by which I mean, parents.
FCS – Fake Cough Syndrome occurs primarily on days when a child will be taking any sort of test. The resulting Fake Cough is truly heartbreaking because, as your child will insist, he or she is dying. The child will often agree to attend school “if that’s what you want”, while continuing to Fake Cough to the point of Fake Choking and even manifesting a Fake Fever. On days when the child is suspecting a pop quiz involving Advanced Algebra, Fake Malaria and Fake Ebola can result.
IHE – More and more children are exhibiting rampant symptoms of I Hate Everything. IHE can be diagnosed by asking the child any question, including “What would you like for dinner?”, “Would you like to go see a movie?” and “How was your day?” Some children can be fleetingly cured of IHE through the use of trick questions, such as “Would you be willing to smile for $500, and I’m not kidding?” and “Would you be happier if your Dad and I rented you your own apartment and let you drop out of third grade?”
DYF – Dragging Your Feet is most often caused by a child’s waking up in the morning. Co-symptoms include Severe Slouching and Murmuring Obscenities. If these symptoms persist, a parent is allowed to murmur, “Well fuck you too, and I hope you enjoy air-conditioning repair school.”
ITB – So many first world children suffer from a chronic Inability To Bathe. These children can be diagnosed from several blocks away, by the mixed aromas of sweat, bad breath, wet sneakers and Axe body spray. The only known treatment for ITB is to drug the child with an entire bottle of Ambien, and while the child is comatose he or she can be hosed down by a SWAT team in Hazmat suits.
