Never let anyone take your picture right after you’ve just removed a knitted hat. Trust me on this.
When working in the theater or anywhere else, try to surround yourself with people who are smarter and more talented than you are. They will make you better.
This can be painful to accept, but sometimes stupid people can have good ideas. Sometimes these people are just folks you don’t like, and sometimes they’re genuinely stupid. But up to a point, everyone is worth listening to.
Whatever you eat while on an airplane has no calories. This is an established aerodynamic fact.
Save your anger for when you really need it. Then you can scare people.
Carmax is better and longer-lasting then Chapstick. I’ve been using the same tiny jar of Carmax for years, and it always works. However, when applying Chapstick you can fantasize that you’re either an Olympic skier, or a glamorous Russian spy, putting on her scarlet lipstick before a secret assignation with her Italian gigolo.
Some people carry a specific genetic defect: they always have to be right, about everything. When one of these people starts insisting on their opinion, always tell them, as sincerely as you can, “You know, I bet you’re right.” This will confuse and disarm them, until you can shoot them with a tranquilizer dart and release them back into their natural habitat, on Fox News.
There’s a simple, carefree way to fold a fitted sheet: ask someone else to do it.
Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is just fine.
I once interviewed a very successful songwriter and record producer named Joseph Brooks (he’d written the hit “You Light Up My Life.”) He had a sign over his desk which read, “Never try to teach a pig to sing. It just wastes time and only annoys the pig.”
Joseph Brooks also wrote a disastrous, autobiographical Broadway musical called In My Life, where the hero had Tourette’s. Brooks was later indicted for rape, but he killed himself before the case went to trial. Brooks’ son was recently convicted of drowning his girlfriend in a bathtub at the Soho House.
And so, a final bit of advice: you never know.
