– We can remind ourselves that all of those midwestern Republicans still have big doughy heads with beady little eyes, so they look like waterlogged scones.
– We can tell ourselves that Chris Christie is still a nasty, bigoted bully and everyone knows it, and that Hillary is an angel whom America is going to love.
– We can picture the sadness of Republican victory parties, as all of the participants get drunk on budget Scotch and listen to patriotic country-western songs and then look on Craig’s List for underage prostitutes.
– We can think about the masochism which is required for a woman to vote Republican, and consider setting up shelters where these women can find understanding and a way of relaxing their tight little smiles.
– We can reach out to the sad, hopeful children of Republican congresspeople, and tweet compassionate messages like, “Your Dad isn’t your fault” and “We know that the navy blazer and the cheap rep tie weren’t your idea.”
– We can imagine that even amid triumph, all of the Republican victors will still keep having those recurrent nightmares, where faceless immigrants and gay people move in next door and try to hug everyone.
– We can relish that moment when, once they’ve repealed Obamacare, all of the Republicans suddenly realize that their insurance plans no longer cover gout.
