If you’ve been following this blog, you’re aware that I have a sweet tooth. But even I have standards, and there is a line which I will not cross. That line is called Little Debbie.
Little Debbie is manufactured by the McKee Food Corporation in Collegiate, Tennessee. The company’s founders, O.D.and Ruth McKee, named their products after their 4-year-old granddaughter Debbie, who is pictured on all of the labels. This was in the 1960’s, which means that Debbie is now in her fifties. Has she been eating Little Debbie products? Is she still little?
I have never eaten a Little Debbie product.I find them frightening, for several reasons. First of all, many of the Little Debbie items are obvious knock-offs of Hostess classics. The Little Debbie Cloud Cakes are bastardized Twinkies, the Little Debbie Swiss Rolls are crude approximations of a Yodel, and so on. In each instance, Little Debbie seems to add twice the creme filling and twelve times the sugar, creating gross, marauding monsters.
Far worse, but mesmerizing, are the more original Little Debbie desserts, which can only be served by hooded figures, who leave these grotesque treats on the floor, at the center of their pentagrams. I’m talking about unholy genetic experiments like the Bat Brownies, the Banana Pudding Rolls and of course, the Devil Squares. Do you remember that horror film called The Island of Dr. Moreau, where the unhinged doctor tried to engineer creatures who were half-warthog and half-human? I’m convinced that, as a child, Little Debbie spent her summers on that island:
Sometimes, when my partner John and I visit a Super Stop and Shop, I drag John towards the Little Debbie display, just to terrorize him. John is the bravest person I know, but he refuses to even look at a Little Debbie product.
When I think of an ultimate armaggedon, I think about the special Little Debbie holiday-themed treats, which always resemble bloated sponges:
This haunts my nightmares: the Little Debbie Donut Sticks. Because if something is a stick, then it’s NOT A DONUT:
Little Debbie, in her ravenous lust for world domination, has recently purchased the remnants of both Hostess and Drakes. She is also manufacturing collectibles. Here’s the Swiss Roll, who resembles what everyone fears most: a bowel movement with arms and legs:
So remember, you’ve been warned. She’s Little. She’s Debbie. And she’s already here.
