Every year there’s a trending illness: remember hypoglycemia? Or fibromyalgia? Remember the years when everyone had Adult ADD, or decided that they were bipolar? Last year Daryl Hannah announced that as a child, she’d been diagnosed with autism, and Susan Boyle revealed that she had Asperger’s. Psychiatrists have said that recently, many of their patients have been complaining of Generalized Anxiety, and in this spirit, I’d like everyone to start worrying about the following things:
1. Have you ever wondered if your spouse might be a secret sleeper agent for a terrorist organization? Wouldn’t this explain a lot of things, like their odd, prolonged absences, their strange internet habits and the terrible state of their underwear?
2. What if your flu shot was actually filled with radioactive isotopes which have allowed your Mom to track your movements every second of the day, and to know when you’re not wearing enough layers?
3. What if after a few more years of research, it turns out that gluten, peanuts and whole milk are the most powerful cancer-fighting agents ever?
4. What if you’re absolutely right, and late at night, after you’ve fallen asleep, someone does break into your apartment not to steal anything, but to move your keys?
5. What if your parents never told you that you were adopted, and your real parents were warm and loving billionaires who spent their entire lives searching for you, until they died and left all of their money to Unicef? Is there any way you could sue Unicef?
6. What if you don’t just need a great haircut, but you actually have bad hair?
7. What if your favorite color doesn’t look good on you?
8. What if no one will ever love you enough to buy you a private jet?
