The other day I came across a list of the real names of several Jewish porn stars. They included:
Jenny Baxter – Jenny Wexler
Busty Belle – Tracey Prager
Barbara Dare – Stacey Mitnick
Tawny Pearl – Susan Pearlman
I also read an interview with the remarkably well-adjusted porn star James Deen, who was born Bryan Matthew Sevilla, and who said that, “In third grade at the Weizmann Day School we were talking about what we wanted to be when we grew up, so that we could do these personal book report projects. My response was that I wanted to do porn.” Deen went on to say that, “My parents are very good parents, and they are proud of their son for doing something he loves and for being successful at it.”
As a Jew, I’m always happy to see my people doing well. And here are some poltically reprehensible ideas for Jewish porn movies:
1. A Jewish man is waiting for his annual check-up. A beautiful, curvaceous nurse enters. She takes off her uniform and stands naked. The man says, “You’re very pretty, but I’m here to see the doctor.”
2. A Jewish man and a Jewish woman have wild, passionate, mind-bending sex, destroying the bedroom. As the man lies back, exhausted and ecstatic, the woman says, “That was terrible. So bland and vanilla and boring.” “That was terrible?” says the man. “So what’s your idea of really wild sex?” “Wait till we’re married,” says the woman.
3. A loving grandfather buys his grandson a prostitute as a bar mitzvah gift. The grandson says, “But I also get a new iPad, right?”
Last night I was at the movies, and I was sitting in front of two very nice, well-spoken, older Jewish women. So of course I eavesdropped. The first lady was worried about her granddaughter, who was attending a performing arts high school. “She sings and she dances and she acts,” the woman said, “and I wish she wouldn’t do any of them.”
The woman and her companion began discussing a movie they referred to as “The Wolf.” The first woman said, “So what did you think?” Her friend answered, “Fuck-shit, fuck-shit, fuck-shit. That’s what that movie was about.” “But Scorsese does that very well,” her friend said.
But mostly, of course, I really want to see James Deen’s third grade book report.
