“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

March 10, 2015

Apple Watch

AppleWatch-620x734As every devoted shopper knows, fantasy is 99% of the experience. There are certain objects which fascinate me, even if I have absolutely no interest in acquiring them, and if someone gave me such an item as a gift, I’d never use it. The highly anticipated Apple Watch is just such an object. I’ve never worn a watch, because I’m always too aware of something clutching my wrist – it’s the same reason I’ve never wanted to have children. The Apple Watch has the allure of a Mission Impossible gadget; like all the greatest tech innovations, it’s an expensive, unnecessary toy. I picture myself wearing it not in real life, but in a high-end commercial, set onboard a space shuttle, where I use it to chat with Charlize Theron. I imagine myself faux-accidentally displaying my Apple Watch at brunch, like a sorority girl’s engagement ring. For some irrational reason, I’d buy a new set of stainless steel flatware, to match my Apple Watch.

From what I’ve read, the Apple Watch needs to be in constant communication with the owner’s iPhone, and its battery requires frequent charging. It has a feature called Force Touch, which sounds like something you’d warn preschoolers to avoid. The best part of an Apple Watch would be using its screen to display images of oversize emeralds and rubies.

My Mom loved two specific watches: first, her sleek Museum of Modern Art model, and her collection of Swatches. None of these cost much money. Like me, my Mom would study the Apple Watch, admire it, and then wonder, “Why do you need it?”

The Apple Watch, I contend, will be most popular as a Bar Mitzvah gift. In fact, if I’d owned an Apple Watch during my Bar Mitzvah, I would’ve used it as a cheat sheet to display my haftarah portion, so I wouldn’t have had  to memorize anything. For Bat Mitvahs, the Apple Watch is the new tennis bracelet.