As every devoted shopper knows, fantasy is 99% of the experience. There are certain objects which fascinate me, even if I have absolutely no interest in acquiring them, and if someone gave me such an item as a gift, I’d never use it. The highly anticipated Apple Watch is just such an object. I’ve never worn a watch, because I’m always too aware of something clutching my wrist – it’s the same reason I’ve never wanted to have children. The Apple Watch has the allure of a Mission Impossible gadget; like all the greatest tech innovations, it’s an expensive, unnecessary toy. I picture myself wearing it not in real life, but in a high-end commercial, set onboard a space shuttle, where I use it to chat with Charlize Theron. I imagine myself faux-accidentally displaying my Apple Watch at brunch, like a sorority girl’s engagement ring. For some irrational reason, I’d buy a new set of stainless steel flatware, to match my Apple Watch.
From what I’ve read, the Apple Watch needs to be in constant communication with the owner’s iPhone, and its battery requires frequent charging. It has a feature called Force Touch, which sounds like something you’d warn preschoolers to avoid. The best part of an Apple Watch would be using its screen to display images of oversize emeralds and rubies.
My Mom loved two specific watches: first, her sleek Museum of Modern Art model, and her collection of Swatches. None of these cost much money. Like me, my Mom would study the Apple Watch, admire it, and then wonder, “Why do you need it?”
The Apple Watch, I contend, will be most popular as a Bar Mitzvah gift. In fact, if I’d owned an Apple Watch during my Bar Mitzvah, I would’ve used it as a cheat sheet to display my haftarah portion, so I wouldn’t have had to memorize anything. For Bat Mitvahs, the Apple Watch is the new tennis bracelet.