There’s a debate raging all across the country, about whether yoga instructors should be legally certified. I’ve never taken a serious yoga class, but I have the utmost respect for all practioners. From observation, I feel that anyone wishing to pursue yoga should answer the following questions:
1. Are you willing to stop wearing normal clothing, and attend formal dinner parties wearing only layered tank tops and the thinnest spandex pants, all in shades of dried wheat and clinically depressed grey?
2. Are you ready, whether a male or female, to stop caring about your hair and just yank it back with a rubber band, so it won’t get in your eyes while you’re holding an especially difficult pose, like Downward Facing Associate Marketing Analyst?
3. Can you be seen on the street, wearing a $12,000 shearling coat over your yoga togs, talking on your phone while your nanny pushes the stroller beside you?
4. Are you able to alternate your daily, multiple spinning classes with your daily, multiple yoga classes, so that you never smell clean?
5. Are you able to lie and speak of yoga as a profound spiritual discipline, when you’re really using it as a hipper form of Jenny Craig?
6. If you’re a man, are you willing to look sort of like you’re in shape, in a slightly creepy way?
7. Can you breathe deeply, center your being, release all worldly thoughts, and still figure out a way to network with a celebrity’s wife who’s on a mat two rows in front of you?
8. Do you think of a large bottle of Smartwater, a rolled-up rubber mat, a Fitbit and a shoulderbag as your only real friends?