I’ve just had an eventful few hours, because today I died and came back to life.
I’ll explain. Yesterday I received a letter from my bank, addressed to “The Estate of Paul Rudnick.” It said, “We’re writing to let you know that we have received notification regarding the potential passing of Paul Rudnick.” It went on: “If Paul Rudnick has passed, please accept our condolences.” As proof of my demise, the bank required “A newspaper clipping, a copy of the obituary, a copy of the death certificate or a prayer card.”
I was concerned. So today I went to the nearest branch of my bank, where everyone was extremely helpful, and intrigued by the letter. A bank officer and I at first agreed that it was most likely a scam. We were both especially interested in the phrase “the potential passing of Paul Rudnick”, and I asked, “But how would someone know if I was about to die? Unless they were planning to murder me.” When I used the word “murder”, the bank officer looked very nervous.
The officer phoned the central office. As he spoke with someone in the Estates Department, he kept looking at me and saying things like, “No, he’s sitting right here. He looks fine.”
It turned out that the letter was legitimate, and that for some reason, a few weeks earlier, the bank had sent me a letter, asking if I was dead. I never got this letter, but someone else sent it back, checking off the box marked “Deceased.” The bank officer asked me if there was anyone in my apartment building who could’ve intercepted the earlier letter. The bank person on the phone asked me who would want me listed as dead. I replied, “I can make you a list.”
Although I still have no idea who returned the bank’s letter, everything was cleared up. The various bank officers kept asking me, “So how do you feel?” just so I could say things like, “All better!”, “Fully recovered!” or “Do I look pale?”
All I know is that I now must write something with the title The Potential Passing Of Paul Rudnick.
