Deciding not to buy something, or trying to buy something and discovering that it’s no longer available, or no longer available in the right size or color, is just another form of death. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross once coined her now-famous five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depresssion and acceptance. Here’s the eBay version:
1. Denial: WHERE DID IT GO? The listing was here two seconds ago! Is there something wrong with my computer? I’m sure it will be re-listed by tommorrow! I bet that the Small fits like a slightly snug Medium, right? Which is how people are wearing everything nowadays, right?
2. Anger: I haven’t bought anything in almost TWO DAYS, I fucking DESERVED that new-with-tags yogurt maker, even if I fucking HATE yogurt! I hope whoever bought it before I could has an UNDIAGNOSED YOGURT ALLERGY and DIES! Why is everyone so fucking concerned about Syria when I didn’t get my fucking YOGURT MAKER! I hope eBay DIES!!!
3. Bargaining: If I give ten dollars to both Unicef and to fight fracking, then I’ve earned that new leather jacket, right? I held the door for two people at the cash machine today, which I only did because it was the right thing to do, but wouldn’t it be cool if those shoes I wanted just happened to go on sale on the SAME DAY? Wouldn’t that restore my face in the universe, huh? Okay, I’m going to pray for my grandma’s fibromyalgia to respond to that new medication she saw on TV, which gives me an existential bonus coupon which I can redeem for a new iPad, even though my old iPad still works perfectly fine, right?
4. Depression: If I can’t have that new pair of earrings, then why should I even try, at my job or my marriage or anything else? Without those earrings, my whole life is just an endless trudge to oblivion, so why don’t I just cut off my ears with a Swiss army knife, it’s not like I need my ears anymore, not without those new earrings. Did you see that new study where researchers have found that people who don’t buy new earrings are 34% more likely to stop exercising and develop blood clots? If I develop blood clots and die I’ll have to be buried in a closed coffin so people won’t see that I’m still wearing those old, tired, ugly earrings.
5. Acceptance: My life is completely full and satisfying without another perfect white t-shirt, even though it was really the most perfect white t-shirt I’ve ever seen. I don’t need another navy blue cashmere sweater from J.Crew to be happy. Just looking at the sweater online makes me happy, many times a day, when I’m supposed to be working. Even if I never own the best independant label, perfectly cut black pants, which would make my butt look amazing, I can still contribute joy to the world. Just not as much joy. Or any joy at all, ever. No, I’m fine. Really.
