The NY Times recently ran a front page story about the ever-dwindling number of straight men who attend Broadway shows. Producers have tried to tempt straight guys with sports-themed plays and musicals, like the current Rocky, but so far straight guys aren’t cooperating. Here are the real reasons why straight men avoid the theater:
1. Straight guys fidget.
2. Straight guys don’t understand why the leading character in a musical needs an “I want” song at the top of the show. A straight guy’s “I want” song would be “I want to leave at intermission, go home, take off my pants and have a beer.”
3. A straight guy would never name his new puppy Idina and comfort the puppy over its breakup with Taye Diggs by telling the puppy, “I know you loved him, it’s no one’s fault.”
4. Straight guys know that Damn Yankees isn’t really about baseball. They can sense it, even if they’ve never seen the original cast album cover with the photo of Gwen Verdon as Lola. Straight men can also sense that women are only named Lola in musicals.
5. A straight guy would never attend the first preview of a new musical, just so in the cab on the way home he could post something about how “Sutton is still finding her way, but she’ll get there.”
6. Straight guys don’t collect souvenir mugs from failed musicals and get furious when someone chips Onward Victoria.
7. Straight guys didn’t get so outraged over Smash that they missed work the next day.
8. Straight guys do not have a favorite Mama Rose, whom they will drunkenly defend because, “Fine, she wasn’t Merman, no one’s Merman, but she made me feel Rose’s pain.”
9. Straight men know that musicals are a gateway drug to opera.
10. Straight men don’t believe that Obamacare should cover a pair of decent seats to the next revival of Follies.
11. Straight guys know that the straight male characters in musicals rarely get the big numbers. There aren’t shows called “Jim!” or “Hello, Bob!”
12. Yes, there are straight men who enjoy musicals and gay men who don’t. This topic was covered in the Times magazine cover story on bisexuals.
