There’s been a report, all over the web, about a 57-year-old man in Tampa who was arrested for having sex with his pitbull in his yard, while his horrified neighbors watched. When the police arrived they found guns, ammunition and eight more pitbulls. The man, Bernard Marsonek, was charged with sex with animals, cruelty to animals and gun possession, although I did not know that any of these things were illegal in Florida. Bernard was released on $17,500 bond.
This situation brings up so many issues:
1. Did they add the cruelty charge because the sex was in Tampa?
2. Doesn’t having sex with a pitbull sound like a reality show challenge on Survivor or Fear Factor? Or on a lesser season of The Bachelor?
3. Was it consensual sex? Had Bernard bought the pitbull dinner, or at least provided dry food and a rawhide chew toy? How old was the pit bull? Was it a male or a female pit bull? Were both Bernard and the pitbull wearing dog collars?
4. Could Bernard and the pitbull appear on Letterman as both a Stupid Human Trick and a Stupid Pet Trick?
5. Does this event give a new meaning to Best In Show?
6. Will this inspire a ripped-from-the-headlines episode of Law&Order SVU, or a new show called Law&Order Kibbles&Bits?
7. Were Bernard and his pitbull forced to have sex in the yard because the cleaning lady was dusting the bedroom?
8. Were the neighbors upset by the sex, or the barking?
9. Did they meet on PDate or Canine Mingle?
10. Was the couple’s love inspired by the comic strip Mutt&Jeff?
11. Wasn’t Bernard worried about rabies? Wasn’t the pit bull worried about its reputation?
12. Yes, that’s a photo of Bernard. And I know exactly what you’re thinking: that poor dog.