Paul Rudnick

I think fireworks are boring. I think that if you’ve seen one fireworks display, you’ve seen more than enough. When I watch hordes of people standing outside, with their faces tilted to the sky, saying things like, “Oooh – there’s a red one!” or “Oooh – there’s another blue one!” I always think that these people could be easily recruited by a suicide cult.

It was just revealed that, earlier in the week, Facebook secretly diverted certain users’ feeds, emphasizing either positive or negative posts, to see if these users’ emotions could be manipulated. I immediately wondered, how could Facebook decide which were positive or negative posts? Things like “My entire family is coming to stay with us for the holiday” or “Here’s a clip of my daughter at her first grade oboe recital” could go either way.

John and I have watched and enjoyed the first episodes of Million Dollar Listing: Miami (and remember, this is about shameful confessions.) If you want your son to grow up to become a sleazy real estate broker, in any city, name him Chad.

Whenever I read about the mobs of orthodox Jews who constantly gather at the grave of Rabbi Schneerson, because they think he could very well be the Messiah, I always wonder: wouldn’t it be better if the Messiah was cuter?

I have a major sweet tooth, but that new line of Cake Boss cakes, available at Stop and Shop, frighten me. The frosting is so rigid, and the cakes seem so heavy, that I wonder if these cakes have been weaponized.

This is an excerpt from my play Regrets Only. Hank, a successful designer, and Tibby, his socialite best friend, are discussing America. In the original production, they were played by the glorious George Grizzard and Christine Baranski, pictured above.

HANK:…and so I decided to actually read the Constitution.

TIBBY: You went to the library?

HANK: Please. I Googled it. And I looked at all of the twenty-seven amendments. And most of them are very big-hearted: they free the slaves, or give women the vote. And the one that tried to stop people from doing something, Prohibition, that didn’t work out so well.

TIBBY: Can you imagine? No liquor anywhere? Not even a cocktail?

HANK: What would we do?

TIBBY: We could drive.

HANK: And then I went even further back, to the Declaration of Independence. Remember that line? “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal” – sorry, ladies -“that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights…”

TIBBY: Their Creator?

HANK: Don’t start. And it says that among these inalienable rights, the ones we’re all endowed with, are “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” And when I read that, do you believe I wept, but then I had the most awful thought. And I was so ashamed of myself, because I am just so politically askew, but when I read that wonderful, perfect goal, “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”, do you know what I thought?

TIBBY: Of course. It’s so gay.

HANK: Exactly!

TIBBY: It’s like a party invitation.

HANK: We could’ve written it.

TIBBY: And do you know, maybe that’s the whole problem, with this country, and this world.

HANK: What?

TIBBY: That no one listens to us.

A recent article in the NY Times Business section announced that, “Promotions for Lucky Charms, and another General Mills brand, Betty Crocker, have been directed at consumers who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender.”

Here’s a look at the Betty Crocker timeline over the years:

Betty has clearly been transitioning, and is now an ideal transgendered spokesperson. For her new ad campaign, I propose this tag-line: “Born delicious.”

The Lucky Charms leprachaun is obviously a gleeful, out gay man, and if he gets his own feature film, titled “Lucky Charmer”, I’d like to propose the gifted Chris Colfer.

There are many happily out LGBT product logos, including Mr. Peanut and his partner Benson:

And of course, we’ve all known for years about the devoted relationship between Mrs. Paul and Mrs. Butterworth. There have been corporate denials, but have we ever seen a Mr. Paul or a Mr. Butterworth?

Speaker of the House John Boehner has recently announced his intention to sue President Obama for not doing his job. This lawsuit would only have merit if the President’s job description included finding John Boehner’s brain. But still, this country can always use more lawsuits, and I’m happy to pitch in:

1. I intend to sue anyone who stands still, in the middle of the sidewalk, talking to their friend, who is walking more than one dog.

2. I intend to sue anyone who goes for a long, sweaty jog and then stands next to me in an elevator.

3. I am suing that evangelical Christian family who founded Hobby Lobby, on the basis of their sincere, we’re-just-doing-the-Lord’s-work speaking voices.

4. I am suing all of those people who are all of a sudden pretending to care about soccer.

5. I will be suing my own mouth, for eating that entire jumbo-sized bag of double-dipped, chocolate-covered peanuts, an action which resulted in both bliss and stomach cramps.

6. I will be suing God, for not air-conditioning all outdoor spaces, and for creating John Boehner.

7. I’m suing you, for taking the time to read this blog post, when you could be helping others or buying me a just-because-it’s-Wednesday gift.

1. A good chunk of the world’s population has been mysteriously raptured, and he’s upset.

2. There’s been a nuclear holocaust, and he’s the only survivor on a destroyer, or at an arctic outpost, or onboard an orbiting spaceship. So he feels grimy.

3. He’s just had, or is having sex, with one of the show’s female leads, whom he will soon betray. This will require a subsequent appearance wearing only a towel.

4. He’s working on a tough murder case at an urban precinct, and his female partner is about to surprise him with a late-night visit to discuss possible suspects. Which is why he’s only wearing boxers and looking exasperated.

5. He’s a corrupt CEO with his own penthouse with a private indoor pool, so just before the feds arrive to arrest him, or at the very least serve him with a subpoena, it’s time for a swim.

6. He needs to dive into the Hudson to save either a child or a crucial piece of evidence.

7. An uptight, older, secretly lecherous female supporting actress has just arrived, during his rigorous morning workout.

8. He’s kept his shirt on for the past two episodes, so his chest and abs are getting restless.