Speaker of the House John Boehner has recently announced his intention to sue President Obama for not doing his job. This lawsuit would only have merit if the President’s job description included finding John Boehner’s brain. But still, this country can always use more lawsuits, and I’m happy to pitch in:
1. I intend to sue anyone who stands still, in the middle of the sidewalk, talking to their friend, who is walking more than one dog.
2. I intend to sue anyone who goes for a long, sweaty jog and then stands next to me in an elevator.
3. I am suing that evangelical Christian family who founded Hobby Lobby, on the basis of their sincere, we’re-just-doing-the-Lord’s-work speaking voices.
4. I am suing all of those people who are all of a sudden pretending to care about soccer.
5. I will be suing my own mouth, for eating that entire jumbo-sized bag of double-dipped, chocolate-covered peanuts, an action which resulted in both bliss and stomach cramps.
6. I will be suing God, for not air-conditioning all outdoor spaces, and for creating John Boehner.
7. I’m suing you, for taking the time to read this blog post, when you could be helping others or buying me a just-because-it’s-Wednesday gift.
