1. Just before the interview begins, ask to use the restroom. Remove all of your clothing. Then, gesture to show the interviewer that you’ve shaved your pubic hair into the shape of the company’s logo. Smile and say, “Let’s get this party started.”
2. If the interviewer asks why you left your last job, sigh, roll your eyes and say, “Same old, same old. Someone got their femur shattered, someone else got pregnant, someone said the cocaine was half baby powder. He said, she said, yada yada yada. We’ve all been there.”
3. If the interviewer asks about your salary demands, take the interviewer’s hand, look deep into his or her eyes and murmur, “I’d just like to get paid enough to buy a pretty little thing like you somethin’ real nice.”
4. At some point be sure to say, “You should know one thing about me: I’m not a team player. Fuck that shit.”
5. Always be careful to glance around the interviewer’s office and comment, “Whoa – I guess I’m not the only one who could use a better job.”
6. Remember to inquire, “So would I be the first attractive person to work here?”
7. If you’re asked for your resume, start singing either “My Way” or “I’ve Never Been To Me.”
8. At the end of the interview, as you shake the interviewer’s hand, pass them a crisp one dollar bill. Then wink meaningfully and say, “And there’s more where that came from, sweet butt.”