“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

April 6, 2015

All Apologies

500x_apology_mouseWhen a celebrity or a politician says, or tweets:

“I was quoted out of context”, they mean: I was quoted accurately, and the revelation of my true hatefulness angered people, but I want everyone to still love me and buy whatever product, TV show or album I’m hawking.

“I never meant any disrespect to anyone”: My gay manager told me that I can’t alienate any potential fanbase.

“I was just saying what I believe, and I hope that others who believe differently will respect my beliefs”: God loves me and hates you.

“I am sincerely sorry for offending anyone”: I am sincerely sorry that I got caught saying something so stupid, even though I meant every word.

“I believe in the true American ideals of compassion, understanding and love for all of my fellow human beings”: Wait, tell me again why belonging to the Klan is a bad thing?

“Everyone who knows me will tell you that I am a fundamentally kind and openhearted person”: And by everyone who knows me, I mean the lawyer who actually wrote this apology.