“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

March 29, 2015


cashierThere’s been some hubbub lately, over the fact that various fast food franchises and big box stores have required their employees to greet customers as “guests.” This can be degrading to both the cashiers, salespeople and servers involved, and the folks they’re dealing with. Here are some additional options for that first interaction:

“Welcome. I bet we both wish we could do better.”

“Hi. Let’s take a moment to sincerely and silently judge each other.”

“Hey there. This is my fake smile, let’s see yours.”

“Thank you for coming to Taco Belle. I promise not to tell anyone you’re here. Again. Today.”

“Nice to see you. I’m only working here temporarily to put myself through college and support my family. Oh, and to buy crystal meth. THAT’S WHAT YOU WERE THINKING, WASN’T IT? YOU’RE STILL STEREOTYPING ME EVEN IF YOU’RE RIGHT.”

“How may I help you? Maybe by steering you away from the pot roast?”

“Good morning, and yes, we do sell firearms! I know you didn’t ask, I was just guessing!”

“Have a blessed day, or go fuck yourself. Do you really think I care?”