Paul Rudnick

Question: Since the governments of India, Australia and Russia have all banned gay marriage and in some cases, criminalized gay lives, has it become possible to hate an entire country?

Answer: No, since obviously many of these countries’ citizens strongly disagree with their governments’ policies. It’s possible, however, to irrationally hate Germany, for other reasons, pretty much forever.

Question: If little girls, despite so many preferable female role models, still insist on wanting to become princesses, what should a responsible parent do?

Answer: The parent should declare the child an official Princess, and then force her to marry a royal creep like Prince Albert of Monaco.Then the child should be required to be polite and charming at all times, and to pretend a sincere interest in the lives of all of her boring subjects. Then the child should have to wear a slim-fitting gown and high heels, and stand perfectly still and wave, for several hours every day. Finally, everyone in the neighborhood should scream insults at her, tell her that royalty is an archaic institution, and demand that she produce an heir.

Question: What about gun control?

Answer: If someone wants to purchase a firearm, they should be required by law to be photographed holding the gun, naked.

Question: If your comb accidentally falls into the toilet, even if that toilet is sparkling clean and has been recently flushed, once you fish the comb out of the toilet and submerge it in boiling water to sterilize it, is it ever possible to still use that comb?

Answer: Only if you want poop hair.

Because we’re discussing morality, I’m including photos from a current production of The Most Fabulous Story Ever Told by the wonderful Uptown Players in Dallas. In a battle between the fundamentalist protestors and the cast of the show, the winners are clear. Because those actors are seriously cute.