A lawsuit has been brought in Jersey City against a group called Jews Offering New Alternatives for Healing, or JONAH. According to the New York Times, this organization claimed that it could cure patients of their homosexuality; one of the plaintiffs was told to “grab a tennis racquet, scream and beat an effigy of his mother as if killing her.”
Here are some additional options for curing gayness:
1. Make an effigy of a beautiful lady and introduce her to all of your friends and coworkers as “my fiancee, Caitlin.”
2. Bring Caitlin with you to see a hit Broadway musical, and make out with her any time a shirtless chorus boy does a backflip.
3. When you go to an orthodox synagogue, make sure to either seat Caitlin upstairs with the other women, or check her in the coatroom.
4. Bring Caitlin with you to your family’s Passover seder, and make her say “Shalom!” to everyone in a high-pitched voice.
5. Marry Caitlin in an Orthodox ceremony, exchanging her cheap blonde wig for a heavier sheitel, and dressing her in a turtleneck, a long skirt, thick black stockings and sensible shoes.
6. Buy 14 Cabbage Patch dolls and tell everyone that the dolls are your kids.
7. Finally confess to Caitlin that you’re attracted to men, and then find her another Orthodox gay husband on JDate.
8. Make an effigy of a hunky guy in a Speedo and a yarmulke and introduce him to everyone as your new husband, Jonah.