“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

June 4, 2014

Customer Service


1. What if when calling, say, your cable and internet provider, instead of having to deal with endless recorded options, a human being answered immediately and said, “Hello, I’m the fucking incompetent idiot who works for the worst company in the world, and let’s begin this call by having you yell every possible slur you can think of, while I keep sobbing and saying, ‘You’re right, I am a fat ugly moron who doesn’t deserve to have a job.'”

2. What if, when you called any government agency to report a pothole or a missing manhole cover, whoever answered the phone said, “Hi. I know that you have a completely legitimate complaint and we both know that I’m going to ignore it. And yes, thanks to my union, I do make an exorbitant salary for the simple job of lying to you. Please feel free to picture me with takeout food dribbling down my chin, while I use my workspace computer to browse for hideously ugly, too tight clothing.” Wouldn’t the honesty of this response somehow make you feel better?

3. What if when you called a suicide prevention hotline, and poured out your gut-wrenching personal heartache, whoever answered the phone simply replied, “And?”

4. What if when you called a hotel or airline in another country, and the agent who answered the call didn’t speak English, you both agreed to jabber at each other in a third, completely invented language?

5. What if, when you called an off-broadway, not-for-profit theater company to try and find out the curtain time for a show, because for some reason the theater’s website doesn’t include such information, a recorded message said, “Oh honey, this thing is three hours of pure grad student pseudo-literary masturbation, with really long pauses and the sort of actors whom you pray won’t take off their clothes, which means of course they will. Even if you’ve already bought tickets, stay home. You’re welcome!”