Perhaps the greatest infomercials of all belonged to Cher, who, years ago, extolled the virtues of various shampoos and conditioners while wearing a wig. Cher’s Aquasentials line of cosmetics included a serum called, if I remember correctly, the Miracle Lift. A few drops of this serum provided an instant facelift, and Cher discussed how she’d used Miracle Lift on only one side of a male crew member’s face. The result? “He looked like he had a stroke!” said Cher, triumphantly.
My latest favorite involves Jane Seymour, who rivals only Suzanne Somers in her willingness to sell absolutely anything. In Jane’s current ad she shows off her killer bod by asking something like, “Why would a 62-year-old woman wear a bikini on the beach?” The answer, of course, would be, “Because she’s being paid to.” Instead, Jane insists that her supple skin is the result of a product called Crepe Erase. In a later vignette, Jane and a co-host test the product by using two biscuit-sized circles of cookie dough. One circle is left untreated, and becomes cracked and dry. The other circle has been slathered with Crepe Erase for a week, and it’s smooth and ageless, without stretch marks. Jane is stunned and delighted because from now on, all of her cookie dough is going to look FLAWLESS.
The tragedy of this infomercial is that Jane never nibbles any of the cookie dough. She could say, “It’s not only incredibly youthful-looking, it’s delicious!”
A product called Secret Hair has returned. These are hair extensions attached to an elastic band and the models demonstrate by removing them. It’s truly creepy, because I always expect the models to keep going and remove their prosthetic legs, their teeth and maybe their glass eyes. Best of all is a subsidiary product called Secret Bangs, which are attached to headbands.
