On her website Gwyneth Paltrow has just announced her divorce from Coldplay frontman Chris Martin as a loving, “conscious uncoupling.” I applaud Gwyneth for sensitively remaking the English language.
If Gwyneth had shot Chris Martin at point-blank range she would have “passionately de-lifed him.”
If Gwyneth had backed her mini-van over Chris Martin she would have “automotively unlegged him.”
If Gwyneth and Chris had engaged in a spiteful brawl at McDonalds, they would have “McNuggeted our needful differences.”
If Gwyneth had caught Chris having sex with a younger woman, Gwyneth might have called her “an outlying love-option” or “that fat little whore.”
If Gwyneth and Chris have a pre-nuptial agreement, it is most likely called “our economic de-embracing hugscript.”
Since Gwyneth and Chris refer to themselves as “co-parents”, their children are called “our genetic minglespawn, or Chrisfelt Gwynlings.”
If Gwyneth and Chris got drunk and made love, their celebration would be termed an “unconscious re-coupling.”