“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

March 26, 2014

How To Speak Gwyneth


On her website Gwyneth Paltrow has just announced her divorce from Coldplay frontman Chris Martin as a loving, “conscious uncoupling.” I applaud Gwyneth for sensitively remaking the English language.

If Gwyneth had shot Chris Martin at point-blank range she would have “passionately de-lifed him.”

If Gwyneth had backed her mini-van over Chris Martin she would have “automotively unlegged him.”

If Gwyneth and Chris had engaged in a spiteful brawl at McDonalds, they would have “McNuggeted our needful differences.”

If Gwyneth had caught Chris having sex with a younger woman, Gwyneth might have called her “an outlying love-option” or “that fat little whore.”

If Gwyneth and Chris have a pre-nuptial agreement, it is most likely called “our economic de-embracing hugscript.”

Since Gwyneth and Chris refer to themselves as “co-parents”, their children are called “our genetic minglespawn, or Chrisfelt Gwynlings.”

If Gwyneth and Chris got drunk and made love, their celebration would be termed an “unconscious re-coupling.”