“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

March 10, 2014

I Hate Them


Part of the fun of reality television is that it allows you to make knee-jerk judgements regarding total strangers. Because these people have agreed to be filmed, they’ve agreed to be relentlessly criticized by everyone watching.

For example: I was watching an episode of House Hunters International, where Chris and Alison, an extremely blonde young couple were looking for an apartment in Amsterdam. Here are the indefensibly petty reasons why I hated them:

Chris’s carefully trimmed beard and hipster eyeglass frames.

The fact that the couple kept insisting on space for “our bikes.”

Alison announcing that their new apartment would become “the next chapter in the Chris and Alison story.”

Alison wanted space for her home office, and when one apartment only provided an alcove for her desk, she termed this “a hybrid scenario.”

Before choosing between three possible apartments, Alison told Chris, “Let’s re-cap.”

The fact that even though the couple are in their early thirties, they were worried about “too many stairs.”

Obviously, Chris and Alison were rancid, preening excuses for human beings.

Other reasons to hate people on House Hunters:

When they repeatedly use the words “charm”, “dated”, “updates” and “crown moldings”, and obsess over their need for granite countertops.

When, once they’ve moved into their new home, they promptly install those blobby leather 70s bachelor-pad sofas that look like melted catchers mitts.

When they babble about how “we love to entertain.” Are they talking about the troops?

When, upon glimpsing an apartment balcony, they insist, “Wouldn’t this be a perfect spot for me to have my morning coffee and read a book.” YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE: PLAYING VIDEO GAMES ON YOUR PHONE DOESN’T COUNT AS READING A BOOK.

Here are the people I love on House Hunters:

The straight male couples, who are occasionally brothers, who for some reason have decided to buy a house together. When these guys are looking at a condo in, say, Houston, they’ll say things like, “Dude, it’s got a bathroom.”

The hardworking single women who’ve decided they want to own a home, and they bring their Moms or their best friends with them on the hunt. The subtext is always, “I am sick of waiting to meet someone.”

The gay couples who will look at a huge brand new home and announce, “It’s a gut reno. We need to make it look like us.”