“Gleefully wacky and irreverent.”

–The New York Times

“Line by line, Mr. Rudnick may be the funniest writer for the stage in the United States today.”

–The New York Times

“Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing.”

–Steve Martin

“One of the funniest quip-meisters on the planet.”

–The New York Times

“Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.”

–David Sedaris

“Quips fall with the regularity of the autumn leaves.”

–Associated Press

February 23, 2014

I Was Bullied


Bullying, as we all know, is a terrible menace to our society. But I have been the victim of an especially insidious form of bullying, by which I mean BULLYING BY INANIMATE OBJECTS.

I know that you’re thinking, I can’t read this, Paul’s story will be too heartbreaking. BUT YOU MUST.


This is my story:

Yesterday, I was bullied by a bag of No Salt Added Utz Potato Chips, which forced me to eat THE ENTIRE BAG.

This afternoon, a listing on EBay would not stop harassing me until I agreed to purchase a beautiful shirt WHICH I DID NOT NEED. I ALREADY HAVE SHIRTS.

On Thursday, my television grabbed me and held me down and forced me to watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory WHICH I HAD ALREADY SEEN. I SCREAMED BUT NO ONE HEARD ME.

I was reading an article which was explaining the new power balance in heterosexual couples with children, when the newspaper told me that if I didn’t stop reading the article after the first two sentences IT WOULD CHOP OFF MY FINGERS.

A video of a polar bear cub experiencing snow for the first time put a gun to my head and said that if I didn’t watch the video three more times and make appreciative cooing noises IT WOULD FORCE ME TO FORWARD THE VIDEO TO EVERYONE I KNOW.

Five minutes ago the book I’m writing started choking me and said that if I didn’t go into the kitchen and eat half a bag of Pepperidge Farm Milanos while reading People magazine IT WOULD FORCE ME TO FINISH THE BOOK EVENTUALLY.

I have to go now. There’s an unopened can of Planters Cocktail Peanuts coming up the stairs and it keeps hissing, “You can run but you can’t hide, you disgusting little worm! EAT ME! EAT ME!”